Aachoo Voo, Private Eye
Episode Four
BIG d and Mr Sorryman
I made an appointment to go see Big david. I wanted
my money. I needed my money. The rent was due on
the apartment and the cat needed a new pair of shoes. Of
course, to get in to see Big david, you had to contact
Big Tony who had to contact Big Louie who had to call
Big david's secretary, Candy, who then put in a request
to Big david's bodyguard, Little Guido, who, if he felt
like it, maybe mentioned it to Big david when he found
him in a mellow mood. Then depending upon whether
or not he was in the frame of mind to see a real live
human, maybe the message was passed back down
the grapevine to the lucky (or not so lucky) seeker of
favors. It took two days but I had evidently found favor
with the notorious gangster.
"Hey there, doll." Big david said, looking up from his plate
of ravioli. "Sit down, take a load off. How you been? Some
Chianti?" And I shook my head and slid into the booth
opposite him at Sterling's Silver Palace Saloon and Restaurant.
I'd heard there were gambling tables in the back and call
girls and moonshine stills, maybe even movie stars and organ
grinders and I was a bit nervous. I didn't want to be caught
dead or alive there if the place got raided. My mother would
kill me. My grandmother would laugh but my mother would
kill me.
"Everything alright, Big david?" the owner of the joint
asked anxiously, leaning on the back of my booth. "More
wine? Ravioli? Some dessert, perhaps? What can I get
for your friend here?" Indicating me. Big david swallowed
a huge forkful and said, "I'm fine. Tell the man what you
want, Sweetheart. It's on me." I turned to look at John
Sterling. He was movie star handsome, with a scar that
ran from his right eyebrow down to the bottom of his
cheek. It didn't ruin his looks like you might think it would
but made him even more attractive. There was a palatable
fear in his eyes though, an anxiousness to please that led
me to suspect that Big david might have had something to
do with that scar. "Black coffee, thanks," I said, meeting his
eyes, "With two sugars." "Coming right up." he smiled and
hurried away.
I turned back to my host. "Now, about my money.." But he
waved his hand and said, "Not while I'm eating ravioli. I
never discuss business while eating ravioli." So I waited
as he ate and when the coffee had been served, I sipped
it quietly and observed the patrons of the establishment.
It was an elegant place in a mildly gaudy way. Almost full
even at three in the afternoon. Ladies sipped tea, some,
beer and wine. Some were eating pasta and laughing at one
another in that semi-high-society piety that I so detested. A
few of them glared at me as my eyes swept the room while
their male companions looked me up and down and nodded
their approval. One idiot held up a wine glass and toasted me
just before he was struck with a heavy alligator purse. I was
amused and also relieved that it wasn't me getting slugged
this time.
Several tables away, I caught the eye of a dark haired
handsome waiter and he turned pale and rushed off into the
kitchen like he'd seen a ghost. Then I realized that he was a
guy I had dated a couple of years back. I think his name was
Mario. The relationship had not ended well, (very few of mine
did.) I seemed to recall accidentally knocking his car out of
gear as we sat atop Lover's Leap Hill snuggling then arm
wrestling as he tried to get fresh. Somehow, the passenger
side door had flown open. I had probably kicked the door
handle with my foot and I had fallen out backwards and
righted myself and looked up just in time to see the car
going over the side of the cliff, Mario's eyes wide as saucers
and his sensuous mouth forming a gigantic O.
"I forgot just what a gorgeous dame you are." Big david
said, trying to get my attention. He had finished eating
and pushed the plate away from his sizable belly. He was
a huge man, tanned and tall and muscular. He had short
dark hair and eyes the color of bones. Eyes you couldn't
look into or you'd die of fright. He was wearing an expensive
suit and a unique ring on his right ring finger. It had some
sort of odd crest on it. I found myself staring at it and trying to
see what it was. He cleared his throat and covered his hand
with the other. "Like I say, you sure are a good looking broad.
Have you ever thought of going into show business? I have
contacts in Hollywood and on Broadway. I could make a few
calls.....call in a few favors......"
He paused to see if I was biting the bait and I shook my
head and said, "No thanks. I appreciate it but I'm not very
talented I'm afraid." Silently in the back of my mind, I was
thinking, Lord knows that's the last thing I need: To go out
to Hollywood and run Jimmy Stewart down with my car!
My mother would never forgive me. She idolized Jimmy
Stewart. Kept trying to fix me up with Jimmy look-a-likes.
It never worked out. I was a 'Robert Mitchum/ Marlon
Brando' kind of girl. I liked 'em big and bad with not much
to say but a whole lot to do. (Like fix things.) (Cause I broke
things. A Lot.)
Big david was getting antsy. "Let's take a walk." he said,
trying to get to his feet. "Go down by the waterfront and
catch some rats." I tried not to look dismayed so I
powdered my nose and said, "Well, as tempting as that
offer sounds.....I think I'll have to take a rain check. I
have an appointment at four-thirty and besides, I already
have a pet mouse named Manny. He and the cat play war
games a lot and keep me busy cleaning up. So, I guess I'll
just have to say no thanks and run. So....if you could write
me out a check....." Big david leaned back in the booth and
gave me a strange look. (I assumed concerning my pet
mouse.) Then he said, "You turning Big david down, doll?
You shouldn't oughta turn Big david down. Big david don't
like no rejection, you know?" I swallowed hard and put a
fake smile on my face and reached out and touched the
mobster's hand, much to my distaste.
"No, no, nothing like that. I just...I just need my money....
to pay the rent. I did a good job for your sister, didn't I?
I found her husband, didn't I? By the way, whatever
happened to those two?" I really didn't want to know but
I wanted to distract this romeo from his lame-brained ideas.
His face lit up. "Oh, yeah, yeah, you did a good thing, there.
We was really, you know, appreciative of all your good work,
me and Prudence. You know I don't deal with checks, right?
But yeah, I got your money, honey. Maybe I just held off
paying you so's I could get a look at that sweet puss of yours
again, you know?" Oh, geez! I smiled wider, pretending to be
flattered by this revelation. "But what happened to the...to the
husband and the girlfriend?" I drank the dregs of my coffee
and looked around to see if anyone was close enough to over-
hear our conversation.
"Well, let's just say that those two guys took themselves a
permanent vacation!" Big david grinned proudly. "They
bought themselves some beach front property down in
old Mexico!" I gulped and reached in my purse for some
gum. "Gee, that's nice." I said, feeling horrible that I had
had something to do with that real estate transaction. I
had hoped for a messy divorce or something along those
lines, not this. But I had been just fooling myself. This is
the way mobsters solved their problems. It always involved
real estate.
Suddenly, Big david pulled out a huge wad of hundred
dollar bills and threw them on the table. "Here, doll, help
yourself to whatever you think you deserve!" I almost
fainted. What was I going to do? If I took too many, he'd
probably kill me. If I took too few, he'd be insulted. Rats!
I couldn't fail this test. It could be hazardous to my health
and career. I leaned over and took $2,000 and put it in my
purse before I changed my mind.
I looked up into the gray eyes and a small smile flickered
across the big man's face. "You're quite a dame, you know
that?" I shrugged. Then he took three more thousand out of
the pile and put them in my trembling hands and closed
them around the money. "Here's a tip from Big david. You're
a good girl. I like you. I might need to ask another favor of
you sometime. Now you run on to your appointment and
don't worry. Me and you'll go walking down on the water-
front some other time." And he got up, grabbing the rest of
the cash, left a hundred dollar bill on the table and signaled
to three of his henchmen seated at other tables. Aware of the
attention he was drawing, he tipped his hat and walked out
with a swagger in his step.
I sat there trying to get myself together as other patrons
stared and whispered behind their hands and menus. I
heard the term gun moll several times as well as several
"Do you think Big Sophia knows?" Oh, good Lord! I
looked around for the restrooms and spotting the arched
doorway to the back, hurried in retreat from spying eyes.
I touched up my face, combed my hair and washed my
hands then made my way down the dark hallway past the
phone booths on the left. Something caught my eye. I
looked sharply, then slid into the phone booth next to the
one in question and left the door cracked.
Pretending to use the phone, I inserted coins and rang
my own apartment. The man in the next phone booth
was dialing frantically with his left hand and tapping a
black cane on the floor outside he booth. He was wearing
a long black coat, an ugly scarf, had very long wildish hair
and I couldn't see his eyes but I was pretty sure they'd be
bleary and red. I turned a little bit, nonchalantly, you know,
and saw what appeared to be a black bag or satchel on the
floor at his feet.
My heart fluttered in my chest. No, it couldn't be! Could it?
"Grandfather Sorryman, I've got it!" the strange man suddenly
cried out upon reaching his party. "The book! I've got the book!
Our secret is safe! Wipe out the rest of those Arehtes and I'll
take care of this one and be on the next plane home! I've
followed this creature halfway around the world and I'm tired
and longing for the fires of Middle Earth!" (Middle What?!)
It was! It was him! The thief I was looking for! Oh, it couldn't be
that simple, could it? My cases weren't solved that easily. There
was always bloodshed involved, usually mine. I hung up the
phone and walked back down the hallway. I waited until the
crow-like man turned his back to the door of the booth laughing
maniacally at something particularly funny (or heinous) that Old
Grandfather Sorryman had said and then slipped by and caught
up the black bag, slung it on my shoulder and swiftly ran out of
the door, across the restaurant and was almost at the exit when
there came a terrifying shout. "Stop, thief!"
I ran as fast as my high heels could carry me. The tall figure in
black tore out of the restaurant with a disbelieving look on his
ugly face. I looked back at him once and then crossed the street
in the middle of traffic, darting in and out, ignoring curses and
wolf whistles. The man in black was not so fortunate. They didn't
think he was that cute. They tried to hit him. He shook the long
cane at them and screamed in rage. The sky suddenly became
darkened and a peal of thunder seemed to shake the ground
beneath my feet. I was almost a block away when he appeared
practically behind me. "No way!" I thought and ran faster.
There were six people between us. One of them was a cop. I
hurriedly slid my own purse inside the black bag and kept
stepping. "Stop that woman!" the villain yelled at the policeman
as he gained on us. "She's a thief!"
The cop started running after me, the macabre figure close
behind him. Then the cop stopped and looked at him, startled.
"What did she steal....your purse?" The man stopped and
composed himself "Y..y...yes." He said, pointing his nose in the
air. "Yes, she did." He sniffed like he couldn't believe he was
being confronted by a mere mortal. I crossed the street again
and shouted back, "But I only stole back the purse that you had
first stolen!" And I ran like the wind. When I looked back, three
more cops had joined the first one and they had the figure in
black down on his knees with his hands behind his back. He
was sobbing. "Noooooooooo!" Then he cried with that terrible
face looking in my direction. "Nooooooo! It cannot be!" And I
laughed and held up the bag, "Oh, but it is!" And then I ran
into the side of a brick building and knocked myself unconscious.
TO BE CONTINUED........in Episode Five
*
Gary Cooper
as John Sterling
John Sterling
Manny the Mouse
